The article I want you to read...
I want to say that this is so huge and real in my life. Honestly, the part about interpreting my friends' motivations hit me harder than the part about God wanting to be with me (although I'm sure at other times that part would stand out and walk me in the face...or maybe more accurately hug my heart, but, oh well...).
Honestly, I pretty much expect that people don't want to be with me. And I do this with everyone. I do it with people that loved me the second they met me fifteen years ago and with people I have loved for a long time.
I know that I do this with everyone. I think "they don't really want to be with me, they're just being nice." (At least you know I think my friends are the nicest people EVER!) The exception I can think of in my life would probably be Amy and Rachel; yet I feel like even believing and trusting in my own heart that yes, they actually do want to hang out with me and yes, they actually do love me has taken years to cultivate.
Why? Why does it take me so long to trust? Why do I think these things about people that I know love me?
Actually, an interesting point of this is that I feel it a lot less with people that I feel like I meet and flash my "Jesus" smile at. The people that I say, "Hi, I'm Annie!" with the most cheerful voice I can do because I am consciously thinking that I am trying to show Jesus to them and love them with His love even if it's just for a second. I guess I should feel that way all the time with everyone I meet, but that's a different blog.
But do you know what I'm talking about?? When you take a step back and think about it, it's crazy! To think that the person standing next to you who you always hang out with doesn't really want to be with you. To think that when someone says "You are awesome! You are fire! and you look like Jesus. I love you!" they are really saying ... [ here, I have to say that what I almost wrote was "I love you just because Jesus does, not because you actually make me want to love you." and then I realized that that is massive...okay...revelation as I write my blog...]
So, I guess what it comes down to is my friendship and relationship with Jesus. Whether I realize it or not (as I just realized it), there is a subconscious idea that Jesus loves me because He has to. Which is the complete opposite of the truth that felt like wings that came and attached onto my heart and took me soaring a few months ago at church:
the quote: "My favorite thing about God is that He loves me...just because He wants to."
I know that Jesus is so ready to come and take my hand and show me his friendship and love me with His love. I know He would come and gently take my hand and change my heart. He loves me so steadily, and in such a real way...even when I don't believe that He does.
Part of this is that I want to tell my friends that this happens. I'm a bit reluctant to, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it. This is so real to me. There are many awesome times when I truly believe you when you say that you love me. But I have to admit that there are times when you smile at me or talk with me and I don't truly listen, and I don't truly believe you. I know that you love me. It is not your fault at all that I deal with this stuff, but, being real, I do.
It has a name. It all has a name. It's called Insignificance. And it's one of the things me and my friends have primarily been going through and praying through together. And that is amazing!
I guess we are always learning this, but right now I am learning to truly believe that Jesus loves me. Jesus loves me, guys. Not because of anything I do. I didn't earn it by being who I am, but He loves who I am. I have a hard time believing it sometimes, but He loves me then too. He says that whether I realize it or not, I was worth his life, I was worth His death on the cross. And He says that He'll help me realize it and it's okay that I don't understand it all right now.
And my hand feels held.
2 comments:
Oh Darlin... I'm trying to imagine up ways to convince you that I love you. Hmmm.... Elizabeth Barrett Browning's poem was about her husband, I think, but might be appropriatable here...
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
Anna, love. I love you so much and I cherish every second with you. I just wish that I had more seconds to spend with you and I hope that I have never made you to feel as though I "was just being nice" hanging out with you. You are such a joy!
I am struggling with insignificance right now, too, and this blog has meant much to me. Thank you for sharing your heart. Jesus is so good.
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