Monday, October 01, 2007


Is it strange that I've been thinking about my birthday? It's hardly "close" but it's started to be in my thoughts. I think it's because of pictures of Amy's surprise birthday party 2 years ago that have been running on my computer. It's a party year, and I'm thinking of revolutionizing the idea a bit.

Actually, it might be good to have a little change this year, get ready for my deep, deep dark secret...parties scare me!


Two years ago before my party, I was in the car BREAKING DOWN because I was so scared. Isn't that weird??

I don't mind going to other people's parties...that's fun. Honestly, I haven't been to too many, and they're not my favorite thing -- I'd rather just go do random stuff with the people I want to be with -- but I still have fun.

My parties, on the other hand, get me nervous. I get into this mode where I expect that since it's MY party, it's MY responsibility to make sure people have fun. Lump all of my fear of man, fear of failing, fear of being rejected into one big lumpy, humpy mess, and, there you go! My birthday party!

Which is sad, because, I love my birthday. I have come up with the philosophy, though, that it's the easiest day of the year to cry on, because, I don't know about you, but I wake up with the feeling that "This is the perfect day!!"

First harsh word from a teacher = disappointed, sniffling, sobbing me.
(Maybe sobbing is a bit of an over-statement. Tears streaming down my face was quite accurate, but maybe not sobbing).

Once, in third grade, I had a Lunchable for lunch. Now, this is a big deal. Lunchable for me was uber special, and it was all because of my birthday.

But alas, on January 10th, our class had decided to talk when we weren't supposed to and had earned the torture of all mid-day eating time tortures...A SILENT LUNCH.

ON MY BIRTHDAY! WITH A LUNCHABLE! A SILENT LUNCH! oh my goodness, I still need healing.

So, anyways, it's a party year. (*my family has this tradition -- there were too many of us to have birthday parties for everyone every year, so we only get one every 2 years*) I'll be 16. Sixteen! My mom really wishes that I could get my license for my sixteenth birthday, but, that's kind of out of the question. Anyways. I'm thinking something a little more sophisticated, since, I mean, 16 -- come on. Something with the people that I actually hang out with. Smaller, with people I'm actually good at interacting with. Or even if it's not sophisticated. I don't know -- is it selfish to say that what I really want is to be celebrated? Last year, I felt like I was waiting for something to blow-me-out-of-the-water bless me - which I know Jesus loves to do. And He does it every day. Every time He comes close and tells me He loves me, tells me He is protecting me -- that's knock-my-socks-off blessing.

But anyways, that's my birthday dream. Something fun - and I don't even know what it is. But I know I want it to be with the people I really know.

Oh my goodness - it's still 3 months away.

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