Saturday, March 01, 2008

Where's the Fire?

At this moment, I find my heart longing and crying out for fire that I don't see in my day to day life right now. I listen to a message from New Song, and I feel all of a sudden like I'm saying to myself : "WHAT am I doing??!!?" The fire that I know God gives His people to live in and that He has given me hasn't been front and center in my days and in my mind. That fire doesn't feel like its blazing its way through every thought I ponder and every word I speak. That longing is so intense. I feel like I have been focusing on the most trivial things, like a boy or what teachers I have instead of being so focused on Jesus. I need, as in my heart NEEDS to be in this state to be satisfied (yet unsatisfied at the same time), to burn.

When I look at this, I often think of circumstances being a crucial part in when I have felt this fire burn in my life. I know this sounds wrong, and it isn't a criteria for this fire to come -- the fire comes from Jesus. But I have felt that clear, strong burning so much stronger when I am in Tacoma in the summer, surrounded by people who want to be single-minded and give EVERYTHING to obey Jesus...constantly being accountable to others and always stomping on passivity that lets me sit complacently without joy or without that burning fire. Community affects me so strongly; I can't wait to spend some months in Kansas City next year; I pray that the Lord will really help me to not be passive so that I spend time in the prayer room.

Jesus, bring the fire. I don't know where I let it go or where I let it fizzle, but I need Jesus. I need to live the Jesus of the gospels. I need to hate the pattern of religion and passivity that leaves me motionless. I need constant interaction with the heart of Christ; I need the voice of the Holy Spirit constantly in my ear. I need a willing heart. God, soften my heart.


1 comment:

Cameron Ingalls said...

Annie! hey little sis... you are growing up into such a beautiful young woman! it is great to hear your heart. welcome to the upward struggle of Christian faith. enjoy it for the rest of your days and know that you are not alone. LOVES!