Wednesday, April 02, 2008

It was a rough day...

I'm just gonna put this story out there..quick and painless. almost.

So, this morning on my way to school with Steve, I was trying to parallel park, holding up traffic in the lane behind me. Maybe the lady behind me moved up too far; maybe my arc was too big. I bumped her car. You know that huge thud in your stomach that matched the one on your car. Yeah. Wasn't sure what to do for a minute. We pulled up, her husband or brother or somebody was in the car behind her and pulled up too. They looked at their car as I walked up... Praise the Lord, they weren't upset at all or anything. The guy smiled and and just said "Are you okay? As long as you're okay. It's okay. Don't worry about it" as I stammered about how it had never happened to me before and I'd only had my license for a month... their car was totally fine, and they said not to worry about it and that it was totally fine and then smilingly went back to their cars.

Oh. my. gosh. Jesus is too good to me.

I ran back to my car saying "Thank you...thank you...God bless you!!!" I had left the car running, go figure. Later Amy and me joked about what if someone had driven off with my car while I was talking to them. Anyways...

Once I got in my car, I started shouting "Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Jesus!" and then instantaneously started sobbing and kept sobbing until I finally successfully did park somewhere else.

I had a weird unsettled feeling the rest of the morning as I worked alone in the office. Everyone else was doing standardized testing (this is the senior week off) and I was catching up on attendance.

Then, I tried to hang out a little after school by going to McDonald's with people...that didn't go so well. Me and Steve stood there at their table awkwardly (not enough room to sit down) and then I watched them do really stupid stuff. Like, I mean stupid. Finally again I can feel my heart being troubled at seeing my friends be...stupid.

So, I basically was lost in thought all the way home, spilled out the car story to my parents. They weren't worried about the car; my dad was just worried about me internally feeling pressured by other people in cars who are in a hurry wanting me to do something...

So, I came home and retreated. I got under a blanket, put on my iPod, and read my big, thick Jane Austen. Then I tried to take a nap. And I didn't really rest.

I think I'm lonely. I can tell--a little window just popped up the corner of my screen saying that a sweet friend I haven't seen in a while is online, and I started crying.

I don't understand where I am. I don't understand what's wrong with what I'm doing. At my age, your life is pretty much totally under the eye of your parents...when one or both of them seems displeased but you can't figure out why...I'm not sure it can get any more confusing. You know, when nothing you do feels right and you're not sure what you should try to do.

My performance is canceled. Something happened to our accompanist and they can't find another one, so we don't get to sing in the Honors Recital that we've been working so hard for. My dad sees it as no accident, since we were set to sing a medley from Sweeney Todd. Let's just say it has some very dark themes.

I feel like it's time to start over. Can we hit a restart button? hehe... No, we can't. But that's okay, because the Lord is always who He is. And He will work everything for the good... This song became an invitation again today:
"Come here and cry on My shoulder
I'll hold you 'til it's over.
I'll rescue you tonight.
Let My arms be your shelter, your Hiding Place forever
I'll love you more than life.
You're wearing a frown, giving up on hope
My heart is reaching out more than you will ever know.
Is your burden too much? Is it more than you can bear?
I'll help carry the load, if you're willing to share
You no longer have to say..."No one's listening anyway"
Come here and cry on My shoulder,
I'll hold you 'til it's over.
I'll rescue you tonight.
Let My arms be your shelter, your Hiding Place forever,
I'll love you more than life."

No comments: