Saturday, April 28, 2007

Guilty. No... Forgiven.

I feel guilty of abandonment. Abandonment of my little blog that has never done anything to hurt me. Well, actually it has frozen, not arranged my pictures attractively, and opened me up to fear of being rejected by no one reading it; but that's not the point.
Actually, what I'm probably guilty of is being distracted. By...Facebook. It's distracted me from blogging (ALL my Nashville pictures are on many are on my blog?), and it's distracted me from homework, tv (which might be a good thing), and from downstairs (in my house). But has it really distracted me from people? I am interacting with my friends on facebook. But, the thing is, those friends I connect with on facebook -- many of them I see all day at school. And, it should probably worry me that last night my mom joked about her daughter having disappeared.
This morning when I made my little list of what is to be done this week, I put in my little section of reminders to 1. SLEEP and 2. Stay away from Facebook. 3. was to see if I can go out for ice cream with Amy to de-stress mid-week, but my point right now is that I need to stay away from facebook.
And my other point is about my blog. That I say that I need to put my Nashville pictures and stories up, and my mom goes "Who's going to read it?" What inspired me to make a blog was the blogs that I check all the time. Most of them are photographers' blogs and they put their most recent pics up. There are some brilliant writers out there. I was just looked at a friend of a friend's blog, that I have only looked at once before, and it was really fun to read. It was really simple. Sometimes there are pictures and a quick story, but sometimes it's just a one-liner. But he's witty, and I like reading witty stuff.
I also really like another friend of a friend/friend of a sister's blog -- she writes about things from the deep parts of her soul to the funny things her son did that morning. And she's an awesome writer.
I love my sister's blog. The things she says always come back to Jesus' undying love.
Anyways...I want to write witty things, clever things, deep things mixed in with fun stories and amazing pictures.
But as I write, I see things in my heart that need to be different. It's like a window where I can write, then look back and see my motivations and the words that came out of them. Things that I need Jesus to heal. I need to get rid of that fear that says that I have to earn love. I need to not be afraid of messing up. How much of what I do and what I write and what I say is about making someone love me? Proving that I am worthy of love, proving that I don't mess up too much to be loved?
But now I think the key is this: in the last paragraph, I wrote "I need to..." But the truth is, Jesus heals me. I can't fix myself. This whole world talks about doing the things that will make you a better person, make your life the way you want it to be. But that's not the way the Christian life works, and I'm glad. Because when I control my life and my feelings, it does not produce nice things. When I let go and give it up to Jesus, though, He changes me, and everything He does is good and brings me to a better place.
When I see the things that are wrong in my heart, my tendency is to feel really bad. Honestly, as I write this, my heart feels really heavy. And I want Jesus to come take it away. And sometimes, that's all one can do. Ask Him to take it away. It's not always with a long, eloquent prayer, but sometimes it's with tears rolling down your face and all you can manage to say or think is, "Fix me, please, Jesus." And He listens. He doesn't even need words from you. He doesn't need your pleading for His heart to leap at the thought of saving you from your misery. There's a line in a worship song that I love: "Thank you for hearing me when I could not speak." Jesus knows everything we'll say before we say it.
And my title says, "No...forgiven." And that plays in too. My response to seeing wrong things in my heart is not shame anymore. Jesus has taken my shame away. The cross speaks freedom to me. Even when I mess up, Jesus forgives me. He forgives me in a way that throws my sin so far away it's impossible to imagine. The Bible says that as far as the east is from the west, so far has Jesus taken my transgressions away from me. He has made me clean. That's what the Bible says, and I want to believe it. It's true. I am not condemned. I am not ashamed. Jesus does not hold me guilt. He took my punishment. Read Zechariah 3. The Lord rebukes my accuser. Jesus does not hold me guilty. He makes me free. I am FREE. And He gives me Life Abundant.

1 comment:

Amy Rachel Peterson said...

Beautiful, Annie.